So I saw Deep Impact was scheduled this past weekend, and decided to DVR it for later. Tonight I finally got around to watching it. Now, it had been awhile since I had seen this movie. And it was on TNT, so I shouldn't have expected anything amazing. But my god, this was ridiculous. How was this movie ever made?
So, for those of you who haven't seen this movie, you might want to check out the wiki entry, just to give yourself a bit of background. Now that the whole "plot" issue is out of the way, let's talk about all the unbelievable situations (you know, besides the earth being destroyed by a comet the size of manhattan) present in this modern movie masterpiece....
The movie (I refuse to call it a film) starts with Elijah Wood discovering a comet on an outing with his Astronomy Club. It appears as a bright dot, and we are told that his telescope is so weak that it might just "be a satellite", according to his teacher (Mike O'Malley, but unfortunately Mo is not his assitent. That alone would have made this movie worthwhile, but I digress...). They forward it to a scientist, who has the normal "OH SHIT" moment, this time with Mozart in the background instead of the REM featured in Independence Day, which I think added a bit of class. Good choice Spielberg.
Well, of course, the scientist, due to stupid driving by him, and a redneck trucker (more on that later), dies in a firey crash. Fast forward a year later, and Tia Leoni is trying to track down a story in Washington DC and accidently stumbles upon the comet heading towards Earth. This part of the movie is stupid, and I would fast forward through it if you can. The major issue I have with this, however, is that the President decides to reveal the existance of the comet to the nation, and the rest of the world. Now, it's been a year since Frodo happened to glance up and catch the comet. However, it appears that NO ONE else, anywhere in the ENTIRE world has happened to see it. In a year. WTF.
Alright, so someone in President Morgan Freeman's cabinet I guess saw Armageddon, and a joint US and Russian spaceship is built to travel to the comet and blow it up. You know, since it worked so well in that movie. So normal situation, the astronauts land on the comet, use too much fuel, and barely make it down. They then proceed to plant some nukes, in order to blow up the comet. Now, the comet is spinning, so it basically has a day of 14 hours. During the entire mission, there is a countdown, and everyone is aware of it. Each of the spacesuits is fitted with a polarizing visor- those gold things you see in all the images of astronauts you've seen. EVER. Now, these badasses go out without they're visor's down.
Visors? Where we're going we don't need ..... visors.
Now, if only they had all put their visors down at the same time as Doc Brown. But no, they don't. And of course, at the last minute, the sun rises (who saw THAT coming. Yeah, totally different from Earth). Now, at any point, they could have all put down their visors, but they don't, and the asshole astronaut looks right into the sun, and goes blind. Oh, and he gets all humble and stuff. But who cares about that. NASA gave you a visor for a REASON douche.
The bombs blow up, and of course it doesn't work. Instead, there are TWO comets now. Just like a government project, everything just got worse. From this point on, there are about 8 weeks left, and Freeman gets on the TV, and tells everyone we're screwed. But no worries, there are caves in Missouri that will hold about 1,000,000 peeps, who will be picked by lottery. So, we find out Frodo and his family have been chosen, which is great for him.
Hey, Kid! You accidentally discovered the end of all things. So, guess what! You win a spot in our special bunker to help continue the human race. OH! bring your family along too. No, don't worry, all those scientists working on cancer cures, and jetpacks and stuff will do just fine.
So, Frodo decides to marry his 15 year old girlfriend so she can also be saved. No one in either family seems to have a problem with it, and there isn't even a discussion. All of sudden, two middle school kids are getting married. Awesome. Then when the time comes to leave for the bunker, she refuses to leave her family, which makes the shotgun wedding completely UNECESSARY and stupid. Frodo travels all the way to the caves, and THEN decides to leave his family, safety, and a future, to travel back across the country BY HIMSELF, and rescue his "WIFE". What the hell kind of parents are these? You know, they should all die, because they are keeping the human race down.
It's the moment of impact, and we're back in DC at the television studio. The fact that the comet is coming has been known for a year, 2 if you count the government. But these people wait until the DAY of the impact before they decide to leave costal cities. Like, ummmm....DC? A later shot shows NYC, filled with people, even after the President anounced the comet was going to hit the northern atlantic. Again, this is survival of the fittest at work, trying to weed out stupidity in the human race. Denver should be now be a GIGANTIC settlement, on the level of Mumbai or Beijing. But what do I know, I'm just trying to survive.
I think I've bitched about this movie enough. Basically, it was quite the dissapointment. I originally was going to give this movie a 2.7/10, but then I heard the FINAL WORDS that asshole astronaut said to his new son. I quote:
"That's a mighty powerful rocket you have there"
Fuck it. 11/10. Touche Deep Impact. Touche.
No comments:
Post a Comment